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The Official Joke Thread Please keep it somewhat SFW Kthx

RoadRageMotors

RoadRageMotors

New Member
A virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so befor he goes to her house for dinner he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

:Banane56:
 
RoadRageMotors

RoadRageMotors

New Member
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other
and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


If you're not sure what a 710 is
www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
 
RoadRageMotors

RoadRageMotors

New Member
Roswell, New Mexico

Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an unidentified
object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just
outside Roswell , New Mexico .
This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the
United States Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice,
and Dan Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
This information may clear up a lot of questions
 
RoadRageMotors

RoadRageMotors

New Member
the smart kid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
 
dmention7

dmention7

Hater
A pirate walks into a bar, and orders up a bottle of rum (naturally, cuz he's a pirate). The bartender says, "sure thing, mate.... but I gots ta ask ye one thing first. Do ya know there be a steering wheel sticking out of yer crotch?" The pirate sighs and responds, "yarrr... it drives me nuts."
 
H

Hot Ice

Guest
Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back , licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?

The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,Grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!!
 
dmention7

dmention7

Hater
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear. You must be prepared to face anything no matter how ill it makes you feel."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.
 
mndsm

mndsm

I'M OFFENDED!
What do you call a cow with an Oedipus complex?


Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-therfucker.
 
dmention7

dmention7

Hater
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
 
dmention7

dmention7

Hater
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I am going, upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"And the moral of this story is.:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
mndsm

mndsm

I'M OFFENDED!
My mom sent me this.....


How to Install A Home Security System
>
>1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
>14-16 work boots.
>
>2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer
>cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
>
>3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
>
>4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke
>and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an
>hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman
>this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took
>part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
>
>PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside
 
Nekko Noir

Nekko Noir

=^_^=
A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts, "honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now."

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, "fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have Ge Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"

"fine. Could You Fix The Fridge Door, Then? It Won't Close Right."

To Which He Replied, "fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"

"fine. You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door, They Are About To Break."

"i'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix Steps," He Says. "does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So! I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!!!"

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home To Apologize. As He Walks Into The House, He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed, The Hall Light Is Working, And The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

"honey," He Asks, "how'd All This Get Fixed?"

"well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do In Return Was Either Sleep With Him Or Bake A Cake."

"so What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?"

"hellooooo...do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!"
 
Nekko Noir

Nekko Noir

=^_^=
I tried to copy it from an e-mail a friend sent me, which was all in caps, and that's what it turned out to look like. Sorries!
 
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